Still Alive, still lazing on the couch

I am still here. Messed up. Still taking two steps forward and one step back. The only step advance is age.

Below are some odd jigsaw puzzle pieces of me I'm still trying to piece together with this blog.

Just some old news

Early March I received news that I passed my JLPT3. Yeah! No mean feat considering I was muddling the way through vocab and the oral. Okay, congratulations to me and I've decided to take JLPT2 NEXT year. I didn't think I'll be qualified to take it THIS year. I was tempted to take the school's JLPT2 prep class but hmm.....I am more inclined to do self-study. Frankly, it's the lack of confidence to face the prep class. More assessment books from Kino and I think I can't postpone getting the discount card anymore.

Some snippets I care to share

I'm the oldest in my Japanese class and yes, my class means including my Japanese teacher who's 27. Yelps! I hate being older than everyone. Being born in December gives me the privilege of being the youngest most of the time in my adolescent years, so the change hits hard. The Clock ticks!

A friend confessed her foray into casual sexual activities with her male friend. Not the 'actual' do it but making out stuff in underwear. Hmm, something I've fantasized about but have no courage to do. (Having no partner increases the difficulty tremendously.) So rest assured I'm not making moral judgements over the matter. Women do have sexual urges, so I have learnt as my body tries to tell me something everytime I read sizzling romances, watch sex scenes in movies. Yes, I am pathetic as you would have known by now. Vicarious pleasure is what I derive my happiness from.

I feel trapped by my cowardice. (Don't want to explain.)

I have a serious character flaw. Committment phobia. In relationships other than family ties. I reject friends who make dates week after week. Hey, I only want to see you once in a blue moon! Consecutive/regular dates/outings make my gut wrench and I feel like a desperate werewolf in a cage waiting to pounce on the nearest victim. I like having myself needing the other person more than he/she needs me. Wierd but true. Even with rejection, I feel only a twinge of hurt and thereafter savour the taste of freedom from pressure to perform/please someone. Yes, REALLY wierd but true. I have come to have a love/hate relationship with only myself. With this, I conclude I am indeed psycho. But hey, I don't hurt anyone, hmm, physically at least.


Adult with current unrealistic dreams

1) Go to Japan for the next new year.
2) Enrol for a summer camp in Japan. (still wondering if there is one.)
3)To be conversant in Japanese.
4)To be successful in baking.
5) To take good pictures.
6) Write a novel, short story and be proud of it.
7) To stand on my own two feet.
8) To own a 3-rm flat of my dreams.
9) To find back my adventurous spirit, be bold and say I Dare. Audeo.

After reading this, don't be afraid. My bark is worse than my bite. To many others, I am the nice girl next door, the mummy/daddy's girl, the funny friend, the good sister. In true, I am hiding behind a painted facade honed by years of social convention. This blog is only a small part of me. Of other parts, language expression fails me.

Does this remind you of yourself?